Anxiety

So let's talk about my anxiety.

Oh, you didn't know? Maybe you just thought I was high strung (or high maintenance?) Which is probably true--but don't tell anyone I said that.

So let's go through the 5 W's (using that Journalism degree after all)! Who? Well, me, obviously. Not that I'm alone. My Mom's Mom, some friends, and if the Surgeon General is to be believed, 8% of the general population.

What? Didn't you read my first sentence? ;)- Anxiety, and to a lesser extent, depression. For me, it manifests in all sorts of ways. Ridiculous fears, like when my first daughter was an infant, and I was sure J and I would be murdered in our bed, and M would be in her crib screaming for help with no one to hear her. Or when I thought our plane would crash on our first vacation after M, and she would be left with no parents. My pregnancy with N is another great example--one u/s that showed a short femur, and I was convinced she had down syndrome. That made for an awesome 20 weeks of needless and harmful worry.

Where? Everywhere. It strikes me in unlikely places. A girls' night out, where it pokes its head in and takes a little wind out of my sails. Late at night, when I try to sleep without any medicinal help. Fun moments with my daughters, causing me to hold them a little tighter and blink back my tears. Driving, flying, sitting on the couch...my anxiety doesn't care. It comes along for the ride without invitation.

When? For as long as I can remember. Not that I KNEW what it was. I thought everyone "worried" like me. Until 18 months after M was born and it finally hit me that crying myself to sleep, finally too exhausted to stay awake any longer, wasn't OK. That maybe my level of worrying wasn't ever normal. The nights when I was 8, when I would work myself into a panic because I didn't fall asleep easily. The cheerleading tryouts that gave me hives. The worries were always overinflated, consuming, hard to push away. I can look back now and see how my anxiety has been a prevalent part of my life.

Why? Well it's simple from a straightforward point of view. The chemicals in my brain aren't balanced. From a philosophical, spiritual, "laws of the cosmos" point of view, it's far more complicated. As are all philosophical, spiritual, "laws of the cosmos" questions. I can say that my anxiety is a huge part of my emotions, my empathy, my fierce love for the people in my life. I wouldn't trade that. It's the gift of my anxiety. My openness allows me to share with others, and in my moments of ego, I think maybe that's my calling. Not to share with the world, but with those I come in contact in day to day life. To help my fellow mom, to help my friends who need to hear that no one has it all together...I share my experiences. I don't shy away, I don't worry how I'll be viewed for my admitted weakness. I share with anyone who wants to hear it, and probably with plenty of people who don't.

It never really goes away. I keep it under control a good portion of the time, now that I own it. Medicine and therapy are my tools, but they're not foolproof. I learned that the hard way, the first time my medicine stopped working, sending me into a full blown breakdown. A breakdown that blindsided my husband, my friends, my family, and honestly, me. I didn't know that my medicine could lose its effectiveness. Most doctors don't talk about that. Mine didn't, probably because I never asked. It's a lesson I can't unlearn, a lesson I'm actually thankful for, now that I've come out on the other side.

Now, with the amazing support of my husband, family, friends, and a therapist who's changed my life, I keep my anxiety and depression stifled. It's not fixed, and I've come to accept that for me, it never will be. So I fight it. I try to keep myself from getting complacent when I feel great, and strike a balance between being aware and being too aware.

Some days I'm more successful than others.

College football (or why it's nobody's fault that we all take this too seriously.)

My Mom and I are die hard football fans...with schools that are bitter rivals. You might have heard of our teams. I'm a Texas A&M Aggie. She's a Texas Longhorn. We've been in the news the past couple of days. Or, our teams have--Mom and I aren't especially newsworthy on our own.

For those of you who don't live in Texas, or know nothing about sports, or think that the SEC is shorthand for securities and exchange, let me try to catch you up in as little time as possible. Our teams are both part of a conference called the Big 12. Only my team wants to leave. To a conference called the SEC (Southeastern Conference). We want to go by ourselves. The big problem? Did you see where I referenced a rivalry up there? Yeah it's a long one. More than 100 years.

To say that this is a point of contention between my Mom and me would be a bit of an understatement. To say that we're each very passionate about our teams and can't behave rationally when trying to discuss this situation would be more accurate. Let's put it this way. If we were monkeys, one or both of us would have a face full of feces.

Knowing this, I've been avoiding conversations about our teams. Not avoiding conversations with her...that would be impossible as we talk at least a couple of times a day. So I haven't brought it up, and kind of hoped that she'd been in a cave for the last week with no access to media. No dice. She's still been getting her paper. Her TV works great. Her computer is up and running.

So, we talked. Or rather, we said a few words, while we both tried to temper our tempers. Result, a very short conversation that left me stewing. This led to an email where calmly tried to explain my feelings, in the hopes that I would able to show her my point of view. My email:

I'm really, really upset about this. I'm hoping we can maybe have a decent conversation about this over email, where we both get to speak our piece.

What should A&M do? Last year, when the Pac-10 discussions we out there, we were expected to go with Texas to preserve the rivalry. Only going to the Pac-10 didn't benefit us in any way. It wouldn't have been more money (although it would've been an even share, which we don't have now in the Big 12...despite that being the norm in every other conference, including the SEC). It wouldn't have been more visibility, more competition, or a boost to recruiting. Yet we were expected to go if y'all did, because it was on our shoulders to preserve the rivalry. When we considered an SEC bid last year, we weren't respecting the rivalry because Texas doesn't want to go to the SEC. (who would take them in a second). So if we didn't go to the Pac-10 w/ Texas, we were ending the rivalry. If we went to the SEC, we were ending the rivalry. So basically, if we didn't do whatever Texas wanted to do, we were ending the rivalry. So Texas decided to stay, and we fell in line.

Fast forward a year later. Longhorn Network is ready to launch. The possibility to show high school games is broached, and eventually halted by the NCAA for 1 year. Still, it's a glaring reminder of the leg up this network gives to Texas recruiting. A glaring reminder of the power your team yields in this conference. A glaring reminder that your team is calling the shots. Would A&M do the same if given the opportunity? I'm sure we would. But it doesn't change that it a) puts us firmly in the slot of little brother, and b) gives one team in a conference of 10 a prominent power position, unlike any other team in any other conference (SEC included). Add to that the rumors that Texas is gearing to go independent (like Notre Dame), and it certainly makes me (and my fellow Aggies) think about whether we want our future dictated for us or if we want the opportunity to carve a future based on our own choices.

The agreements made by the Big 12 teams last year weren't a fix, they were a band aid. Oklahoma's silence in all of this makes that clear (to me). Everyone's weighing their options. We're exercising ours.

I HATE the idea that our rivalry could end. But the entire canvas of football has changed, and football makes the decisions for both of our schools.

I'm not going to deny for a second that this move is heavily weighted by hurt feelings and ego. That in and of itself makes it personal. But I truly believe that if my school ever wants to step out of the shadow of the Texas Longhorns, this move is necessary. Doesn't mean it's not really painful to me, but I want to compete. Not just at Thanksgiving, but in all of it. Recruiting. Airtime. Titles. We have to be able to offer something you can't. With a move to the SEC, we do that--we give the opportunity to play in the most nationally successful conference.

Is it going to work? Will we pull more recruits? Become more of a national contender? I don't know. But I do know that we're not going to do it (with any real success) if we keep things as they are now. We are firmly entrenched behind you, and would stay there even if we beat you on the field for the next 15 years.

As far as Tech and Baylor go, I'll miss those games. Just like I miss playing TCU, SMU, and U of H. Things change. Heck, I come from a school that's more resistant to change than just about anyone. But I just can't be willing to sacrifice the success of my team, even for the greatest rivalry of all time. And if it is the greatest (as I
believe it to be), it will last. And I hope desperately that it will. And I hope that you will watch on Thanksgiving, because fans like you and me are the only hope to keep it alive. Today's fans just don't get it. I really think the only way they will is with a combination of fans like us, and a higher level of success for my team (so people will see that we really are evenly matched).

We're Texans. If Georgia can make it work (UGA and GTech), and Florida can make it work (UofF and FlState), surely we can.

I love you so much, and I don't want to be angry, and I don't want to make you angry. I'm not looking to change your mind, I'm just trying to show you where I'm at in all this.

Hope you still love me after this email (kidding). Call me if you don't hate me. Even though I'm an Aggie, I'm still pretty awesome, and I did give you two amazing granddaughters.

For the record, I received a very nice response from my mom. I'm sure she doesn't agree with me, but because she's a great mom, she didn't say so...and since I'm a great daughter, I know she let it go for me. At least until the season officially starts.

What's the point (or why you should read this blog.)

Good question. My answer? I'm not sure you should. I mean, not like it's taboo...it just may be really boring. I can guarantee it'll be really random. I'm not writing it for you. I'm writing it for my daughters. Not my daughters today. My one year old can't read (slacker) and my four year old could read a few of the words (fruit punch, family, the), but she mostly ignores me when I speak, so I doubt my written words would be all that interesting to her, either. I'm writing for my daughters for later. I really do love to write, and I want them to know that. I'm also writing it for myself. Daily conversations with a one year old who can't speak and a four year old that doesn't stop speaking are wonderful, but not exactly mentally stimulating.

So what will I write? I don't know. Whatever's on my mind. So some days, it'll probably look like the typical mommy blog. Minus the potty training (seriously, why does ANYONE blog about potty training???). Other days, it may look like a style blog, or a food blog, or a blog about Kevin Costner movies (Bull Durham, great. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, a little perplexing. Rumor Has It, disturbing). There's no deep meaning or purpose to this blog. It's just an outlet for a happy, slightly neurotic wife and mom, with a journalism degree that looks pretty on the wall and rarely gets dusted.

So there you have it. I'm joining the millions of bloggers and bringing nothing new to the table. Enjoy.